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Sep. 24th, 2007 | 08:32 pm
mood: depressed depressed

I've been gone for a little over a month now I am back.

My brother tried to upgrade my computer and following that, my computer died. He came over today, and put in my old drive and now things work again. I don't know for how long, but any amount of time would be good for me.

While I was gone, my mood took a huge nosedive and the only thing I have been able to do is sit and stare into space (dissociate). Now that I have my friend and online family back, I am hoping the mood somehow stabelizes some.

Frustrations

Aug. 21st, 2007 | 09:14 pm
mood: frustrated frustrated

About a month ago, I got a letter from human services and was told that it was time for my annual interview for health coverage and food stamps. I called my worker at that time and was called back a week later on my voicemail. So I called back the same day and had to wait another week before he called. he left another message and I called a third time and this time there was no call back. So today I called his supervisor and he actually called me back the same day. This time though, he told me off and said that I should NOT had called his supervisor. But I had no other choice, because I would have lost my aid next week.

I'll have a tooth removed on Thursday and am not looking foreward to that either. If it's anything like having my wisdom teeth removed, there won't be too much pain, I hope.

Boring Weekend

Aug. 19th, 2007 | 04:52 pm
mood: bored bored

My weekend is going ok. Been home the whole time and pretty boring, but that's ok.

I've been moving furniture and doing some things that should have been done a long time ago. I just get in those moods where I don't want to do anything, than I want to do everything all at once or three times over.

Last night I made apple crisp which is wonderful. I also made sweet pickles which are also wonderful. The pickles have been eaten for meals and almost gone.

A Little Slow

Aug. 16th, 2007 | 05:26 pm
mood: blah blah

ok, I'm a little slow with this one...

Earlier this week, my mom picked me up and we went to the casino. She had a free hotel room and breakfast. I spent nothing and mom spent and lost the money. After the night, we made it to the local farmers market and spent the rest of the day shopping.

I took the step now to finally buy a cell phone and calling plan. I decided that I need to have something for emergancy use and to have on hand with me, just in case I have some problem with being mugged or something with my diabetes.

My mood is still in a fall and still going down. It's still difficult for reality that my sister is at least 16 hours away, and my chances of seeing her are next to nothing. She left on Monday this week.

Monday from Hell

Aug. 13th, 2007 | 07:39 pm
mood: sad sad

The weekend for me went very well. Matthew, my nephew, spent the weekend with me. He is 7 years young and a total love bug. We went fishing a few times, swimming and just relaxing time at home.

Now it's Monday and the beginning of a week from Hell! My sister left for Indiana this morning with the girls. They are moving there and in order for me to see them now is if I win the lottery, get a car or hop a ride on an airplane. So that's a huge downer.

Then i learned that a lifetime friend went into the hospital last week with fluid on her lungs. She had surgery on Saturday so she would be able to get dialasis on a perminate basis. Today she was moved into ICU and on a ventilater. She has diabetes and went years without taking care of herself. I saw the same thing with my dad, and it killed him.

I too have diabetes and now am questioning if I am giong to be in the same boat too in the future. If that is going to kill me, I would much rather die at my own hands. The diabetes is an awful way to go. I just HATE having it. I am trying to get it back under control. But with every new doctor things look good at the beginning. It usually doesn't take long before things get bad again.

National Night Out

Aug. 7th, 2007 | 10:58 pm
mood: drained drained

I am still pretty down and crying a lot about my nieces moving out of state. I cry till I fall asleep, exhausted to the point of sleeping a lot more than normal.

Today was a decent day though. Another niece of mine came over for the afternoon. She is 10 and I decided to teach her how to stamp. She made 3 cards in the time it took me to make one.

We went to National Night Out at my apartment tonight too. We won free travel mugs that are nicely insulated. We also got dinner, frisbees, balloons (Chrissy got a flower made from the clown). For the smaller kids, there were pony rides, a jumping castle, and a water slide. It was nice to go to, especially watching the kids have a blast on the water slide.

I'm A Bum

Aug. 5th, 2007 | 10:41 pm
mood: depressed depressed

Well, tonight mood wise is not any better than it was last night. The return of depression is continuing to bring me down. About a month ago, I was given a new diagnosis. That new one is dissociative disorder. Since last night both on the way home and seeing the girls wave good bye, I am either crying or dissociating.

I have now lost control of my life and everything in it. It all happens around me and I feel so helpless. I know that it doesn't matter, but niether do I. I'm a nobody with no future, no life and no hope for anything. Easier said as a bum!

One thing I decided though is that I am going to write here at least every other day or more. PLEASE HOLD ME TO THIS! If I miss, send me an email at my yahoo account, and let me have it. The addy for that is msauntieannie@yahoo.com

Thanks

Weekend BOMB

Aug. 4th, 2007 | 09:30 pm
mood: sad sad

Well, My weekend is a total BOMB!

I can't get to church tomorrow and the picnic has been canceled. I'm not sure of the reason though.

The birthday party at my sisters went well at the beginning. Then grandma got her narcissistic personality in full swing. She feels unloved by my sisters in-laws and makes it be known that she is hated by everyone there. Then she voices it quite loud that she will NEVER be able to see Laurie (sister) and family ever again. She reasons this because they are moving in a week. I am kinda worried about that too, but I only talk about it while I am on-line. While mom drives, grandma usually sits in the front, but not tonight. She insisted on sitting in the back so she could be "alone." No one said a word because IF we did, we would have gotten yelled at by the granny from hell because not enough attention was spent on her. The stress level was thicker than fog!

I was expecting something to happen with my grandma's mood, but not as bad as it was. I wanted to cry when leaving to their place because it will be a long time before I see them again. Even longer before seeing my sister's in-laws. The in-laws are like family. When my sister got married I knew better than to make friends with them. Like always, I let it happen again, I allowed myself to like/love others. It always happens, and then like the snap of the fingers, they are gone from my life.

I saw my niece's waving at us when we left. I wanted to cry but I bit my tongue and wouldn't allow myself to cry until I got home about an hour ago. Now, I can't stop.

Then my dorky brother was supposed to come. Well that JERK went to one of his 3-4 girlfriends places on Thursday (with Matthew). He told mom that he was going to be back on Friday, but never showed. He didn't even show to go to my niece's birthday party. Mom is more than ready to give him his walking papers.

So anyway, my joy I had was good for a few days, and now....well. ...I don't know

Weekend

Aug. 3rd, 2007 | 03:23 pm

Wow, it's the beginning of another weekend. Mine is so filled it's going to be a little crazy. First is Emma and Sarah's (my nieces) birthday party on Saturday. It is an hour and a half drive from my house. We are all going to be in mom's compact car, all 5 of us!

Then on Sunday is church followed by an all-church picnic. That will also be very fun and a chance to meet more people.

I am already itching to start the weekend. Usually, wanting to start the weekend is NOT something I look foreward to doing.

This may be the last time I see my nieces in a long time. They will be moving out of Wisconsin to Indiana. That is at least a 12 hour drive and I don't have a car or money to take a plain ride, train ride or bus ride. So the end of this party may be quite upsetting, and the weekend may not end so well. I do have hope that it goes well.

The One

Feb. 3rd, 2007 | 11:19 pm

I wrote this last night. It's one of those things that I could have gone on with forever. For the first time in ages (maybe first time ever) I was able to focus on my dad's positives rather than all the neg. things that mom has been feeding us since my teen years. A lot of the neg stuff of my dad I found the truth after he died and/or by helping mom "dig" through anything and everything looking for anything that is hidden from her by my dad. I still only hear the negative things, both from mom and in my head. But there WAS some good things too.




THE ONE

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Read to us at night.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Played with us all the time.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Cooked all our meals.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Cared for us when
Sickness came upon us.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Tucked us into bed at night.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Stayed with us for bedtime prayers.

My dad, he was the one.
My Dad.

Then There was...

My Mom

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Did all the yelling at everyone.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Woke up crabby all the time.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Washed our hair Saturday
In preporation for Sunday.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Sat on the couch
Doing nothing but yelling.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Always had the daily paper
Around her face.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Closed herself off with
The slamming of her bedroom door.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Taught us about bad-mouthing
Anyone who we don't agree with

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Showed us how to
Not forgive anyone and
Hold grudges.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Loved his kids and who
Loved unconditionally.

My dad, he was the one.
The one who...
Has gone to be with
The Lord for all eternity.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Has changed some.

My mom, she was the one.
The one who...
Is still with us

My dad.
My mom.
They were the ones...


~~~~~Anne Tobisch